Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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