Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
