You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
