How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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