I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
