they need to just BURY HIM!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
