Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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