So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
