I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
These tits shall not be calmed
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