the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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