she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize