Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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