Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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