alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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