My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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