I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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