i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
