I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
