STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
