You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
