My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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