I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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