omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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