I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
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