This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
