I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
