the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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