he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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