dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
