I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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