He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
