I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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