as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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