I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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