she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize