My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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