I'm jealous of your bromance
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
