I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
