Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just cropdusted the office
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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