I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
