i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
