I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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