You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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