Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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