onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
