i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
