I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i need some magic done to my vagina
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
