She is in my trunk
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
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