drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
