Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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