Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize