i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
