Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
