i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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