if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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