Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
