Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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