Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
