i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
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