She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
