Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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