and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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