Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
