Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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