My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
