In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
