i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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