she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
