I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
they're like a gay fantastic four
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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